I sat on the rocks staring at the waves roll in, crashing forcefully against the jagged shore. I tuned in to hear the roar of the ocean and the fierce howl of the storm. This scene was a far cry from the sun drenched beach of my memories, but it was safe here - I would hurt them no more.
The sun broke suddenly through the heavy skies, sending a bright shaft of light to dance gracefully on the ocean crests. The gap in the clouds gradually broadened and soon I too was bathed in the warm glowing balm of the sun.
I looked up at the sky, closing my eyes against the brightness, and was, for the first time in ages, at peace.
My reverie was interrupted by a gentle touch at my elbow. I opened my eyes to see Elsbeth at my side, smiling.
She took my arm in hers. “It’s time to go home, Aaron.”
I nodded.
Epilogue 50
Anne opened her eyes and looked up at the white, hospital ceiling.
“Mummy?”
Liesel woke from her restless slumber on the chair next to Anne’s bed and leapt up.
“Anne!” she cried, hugging her daughter fiercely, tears flowing from her eyes.
The remained like that for a while, Liesel stroking her daughter’s hair gently.
“I’m so tired, Mummy”
“That’s ok, Sweetie,” Liesel replied, “Mummy is here. You get some rest.”
Anne nestled into her mother’s arms.
“Mummy?”
“What is it, Anne?”
“Grandpa says he loves you very much and told me to say bye-bye for him. He said he’s going on a long holiday.”
Liesel looked at her daughter’s big eyes.
“Tell him, I love him too, ok?”
Anne nodded sleepily and closed her eyes.
“Mummy?”
Liesel woke from her restless slumber on the chair next to Anne’s bed and leapt up.
“Anne!” she cried, hugging her daughter fiercely, tears flowing from her eyes.
The remained like that for a while, Liesel stroking her daughter’s hair gently.
“I’m so tired, Mummy”
“That’s ok, Sweetie,” Liesel replied, “Mummy is here. You get some rest.”
Anne nestled into her mother’s arms.
“Mummy?”
“What is it, Anne?”
“Grandpa says he loves you very much and told me to say bye-bye for him. He said he’s going on a long holiday.”
Liesel looked at her daughter’s big eyes.
“Tell him, I love him too, ok?”
Anne nodded sleepily and closed her eyes.
Epilogue 49
The darkness clung to us like an icy cloak, dragging us down, but I pressed onward towards the light, holding Anne tightly in my arms. I felt a wave of rage as I resisted the pull, but with all my strength continued forward. Finally, with a horrible scream, we were free of its pull, standing again in the middle of the field of wild flowers.
Anne clutched me, her eyes shut tight.
“It’s over, Anne.”
She opened her eyes and looked up at me. I saw both Liesel and Jojo in those eyes.
“Can we go home?” she asked.
I smiled at her. “We most certainly can.”
She beamed. “I miss Mummy.”
“Me too.”
Anne clutched me, her eyes shut tight.
“It’s over, Anne.”
She opened her eyes and looked up at me. I saw both Liesel and Jojo in those eyes.
“Can we go home?” she asked.
I smiled at her. “We most certainly can.”
She beamed. “I miss Mummy.”
“Me too.”
Epilogue 48
The heart monitor flashed hypnotically, reminding them that their little girl, though comatose, was still alive. Tony held Liesel tightly as she wept. He closed his eyes, grieving quietly.
Outside the hospital room Jojo sat, waiting, thinking about the events of the past few months. Suddenly she got up and left.
After around half an hour she arrived at the cemetery and walked towards Elsbeth’s grave where the flowers she had left a few days before stood wilted in their vase. She stood quietly before the gravestone, waiting.
Then she felt it, a subtle change in the temperature, and the familiar sense she had felt before. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end but she stood firm, emptying her mind as Master Yeoh her Tai Chi teacher had taught her. The air around her grew suddenly quiet, apart from the gentle sigh of the breeze brushing softly against the trees. A dim, hazy shape appeared before her. She recognised the long, shaggy beard immediately, but Liesel was right, there was something else, something dreadful that was not her father.
“Dad?”
Her father shimmered slightly and drew forward, his eyes dark and intense. Liesel shivered as the air suddenly grew icily cold.
“Jojo,” he said, his voice sounding dry and rasping.
She started at the sound of her name, spoken by this strange yet familiar apparition before her.
“Dad, are you doing something to Anne?”
“She is my granddaughter,” he replied. “We belong together.”
“No, Dad. You’re hurting her. She belongs with us.”
A wave of terrible rage wafted over her, threatening to overwhelm her.
“No!” he roared. “She is ours. We will keep her.”
“Dad, please”, she pleaded. “I don’t know who or what is there with you, but this is not you. You are hurting us.”
The anger dissipated and Jojo felt a deep sadness.
“Jojo, I am alone here. I was not a good father to you girls. I need to make things right.”
“Daddy,” Jojo replied, crying, “You were the best you could be, and we love you. Please don’t hurt us anymore. Let go.”
He reached for her and she felt the icy touch of his fingers on her cheek.
“I love you.”
She smiled. “Daddy, I love you too, and miss you terribly.”
Then he was gone and the birds resumed their singing beneath the bright, fragrant sun.
Outside the hospital room Jojo sat, waiting, thinking about the events of the past few months. Suddenly she got up and left.
After around half an hour she arrived at the cemetery and walked towards Elsbeth’s grave where the flowers she had left a few days before stood wilted in their vase. She stood quietly before the gravestone, waiting.
Then she felt it, a subtle change in the temperature, and the familiar sense she had felt before. The hair on the back of her neck stood on end but she stood firm, emptying her mind as Master Yeoh her Tai Chi teacher had taught her. The air around her grew suddenly quiet, apart from the gentle sigh of the breeze brushing softly against the trees. A dim, hazy shape appeared before her. She recognised the long, shaggy beard immediately, but Liesel was right, there was something else, something dreadful that was not her father.
“Dad?”
Her father shimmered slightly and drew forward, his eyes dark and intense. Liesel shivered as the air suddenly grew icily cold.
“Jojo,” he said, his voice sounding dry and rasping.
She started at the sound of her name, spoken by this strange yet familiar apparition before her.
“Dad, are you doing something to Anne?”
“She is my granddaughter,” he replied. “We belong together.”
“No, Dad. You’re hurting her. She belongs with us.”
A wave of terrible rage wafted over her, threatening to overwhelm her.
“No!” he roared. “She is ours. We will keep her.”
“Dad, please”, she pleaded. “I don’t know who or what is there with you, but this is not you. You are hurting us.”
The anger dissipated and Jojo felt a deep sadness.
“Jojo, I am alone here. I was not a good father to you girls. I need to make things right.”
“Daddy,” Jojo replied, crying, “You were the best you could be, and we love you. Please don’t hurt us anymore. Let go.”
He reached for her and she felt the icy touch of his fingers on her cheek.
“I love you.”
She smiled. “Daddy, I love you too, and miss you terribly.”
Then he was gone and the birds resumed their singing beneath the bright, fragrant sun.
Epilogue 47
Liesel shook her daughter gently, trying to rouse her.
“Wake up, sleepy head - time for school.”
Anne did not stir.
“Wake up, sleepy head - time for school.”
Anne did not stir.
Epilogue 46
I reached the end of the cobbled road, now standing alone before a vast field of wild flowers. The sun shone brilliantly overhead, providing a welcome respite from the gloom. She stood in the field waiting. I waved and headed towards her, reaching out my arms. She smiled radiantly, her little eyes twinkling in the sunlight, and ran towards me laughing. I scooped her up in my arms and swung her around, holding her tightly with indescribable joy.
She shivered slightly as the now very familiar shadow enveloped her too, shrouding us in a dense, chill mist.
She shivered slightly as the now very familiar shadow enveloped her too, shrouding us in a dense, chill mist.
Epilogue 45
Jo watched her sister as she played listlessly with her food.
“What’s up, Lies?”
Liesel looked up, her eyes wet with held back tears.
“I’m so worried about Anne, Jojo. She has become so strange.”
“Strange?” replied Jojo. “In what way?”
“She spends so much time on her own, and seems to prefer it that way. It used be impossible to shut her up but now she hardly talks to me anymore. She just talks to her imaginary friend.”
Jojo smiled. “That reminds me of someone.”
Liesel shook her head. “There is something else. Like a presence.”
“A presence?”
“Yes,” Liesel continued. “It feels like someone is there with her.”
Jojo frowned. “I don’t follow.”
Liesel sighed. “I’m sure I’m going crazy, but I think its Dad”
Jojo looked at her seriously. “You know Lies, I didn’t tell you this before, but I get that sense whenever I go to Elsbeth’s grave. Like he’s there watching me. It’s very creepy.”
Liesel stared wide-eyed at her sister. “I thought I saw him the other night in our room. Harry woke me up with an almighty racket, and then I thought I saw him.”
“What did he look like?”
“It looked like him before he died, but I sensed him more than saw him. But there was something else that really frightened me.”
“What?” Jo asked.
“It’s hard to describe, but it felt dark and terrible.”
“What’s up, Lies?”
Liesel looked up, her eyes wet with held back tears.
“I’m so worried about Anne, Jojo. She has become so strange.”
“Strange?” replied Jojo. “In what way?”
“She spends so much time on her own, and seems to prefer it that way. It used be impossible to shut her up but now she hardly talks to me anymore. She just talks to her imaginary friend.”
Jojo smiled. “That reminds me of someone.”
Liesel shook her head. “There is something else. Like a presence.”
“A presence?”
“Yes,” Liesel continued. “It feels like someone is there with her.”
Jojo frowned. “I don’t follow.”
Liesel sighed. “I’m sure I’m going crazy, but I think its Dad”
Jojo looked at her seriously. “You know Lies, I didn’t tell you this before, but I get that sense whenever I go to Elsbeth’s grave. Like he’s there watching me. It’s very creepy.”
Liesel stared wide-eyed at her sister. “I thought I saw him the other night in our room. Harry woke me up with an almighty racket, and then I thought I saw him.”
“What did he look like?”
“It looked like him before he died, but I sensed him more than saw him. But there was something else that really frightened me.”
“What?” Jo asked.
“It’s hard to describe, but it felt dark and terrible.”
Epilogue 44
She sat opposite me, talking. I looked at her lips, trying to discern the words, but she spoke too quickly. Desperately I focused my mind with renewed concentration, observing every movement of her mouth, imagining the shapes that the words might take, and tried to imagine moving those shapes to my mind. At first nothing happened, but then gradually a sound became evident, like the rustle of a breeze through a field of reeds. I redoubled my efforts, trying to match the shape of her mouth to what I was hearing, and then suddenly, I could hear! It was not like I remembered sound, just as the world does not look the same visually as when I was alive, but it was recognisable nonetheless and I was thrilled! It was as if a tap had been opened in my mind.
“… we played catch, and I was it. I’m always it. I don’t like being it. Then Miss Jones came and rang the bell to go back to class…”
“Anne.” I framed the word in my mind as a shape and willed it across to her. She stopped midsentence and looked at me quizzically.
“You talk too?”
“Yes … Anne … but … it is hard … for .. me.”
She beamed.
“I can teach you! Mrs Jones is teaching us lots of new words. Wait!”
With that she ran off, returning soon with a batch of flash cards. She held one up.
“Do you know this word?”
I did. “C…at”
She nodded seriously and showed the next card.
“Very good. And this?”
“Mat”
Then she stopped and looked at me.
“What’s your name?”
“Grr…and…pa”
She furrowed her eyebrows. “Grr .. a… ndpa?” Then suddenly, “Grandpa!”
She squealed with delight.
“I'm Anne. Are we best friends?”
I nodded.
“For…ever.”
“… we played catch, and I was it. I’m always it. I don’t like being it. Then Miss Jones came and rang the bell to go back to class…”
“Anne.” I framed the word in my mind as a shape and willed it across to her. She stopped midsentence and looked at me quizzically.
“You talk too?”
“Yes … Anne … but … it is hard … for .. me.”
She beamed.
“I can teach you! Mrs Jones is teaching us lots of new words. Wait!”
With that she ran off, returning soon with a batch of flash cards. She held one up.
“Do you know this word?”
I did. “C…at”
She nodded seriously and showed the next card.
“Very good. And this?”
“Mat”
Then she stopped and looked at me.
“What’s your name?”
“Grr…and…pa”
She furrowed her eyebrows. “Grr .. a… ndpa?” Then suddenly, “Grandpa!”
She squealed with delight.
“I'm Anne. Are we best friends?”
I nodded.
“For…ever.”
Epilogue 43
“I’m worried about Anne, Tony.”
“Uhuh,” he replied, not really listening, his attention focused on his newspaper.
“Tony!”
Her voice commanded his immediate attention. He looked up.
“What?”
“I’m worried about Anne. She talks to herself.”
He smiled. “Lots of children do that, Liesel.”
“Yes I know,” she replied, “but there is something about it that bothers me.”
“Like what?”
“I can’t put my finger on it. Something is wrong.”
He reached over and took her hand.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’s just a stage.”
She remained unconvinced but there was no point pursuing this with Tony who like most men had no concept of the irrational, valid or otherwise.
“Uhuh,” he replied, not really listening, his attention focused on his newspaper.
“Tony!”
Her voice commanded his immediate attention. He looked up.
“What?”
“I’m worried about Anne. She talks to herself.”
He smiled. “Lots of children do that, Liesel.”
“Yes I know,” she replied, “but there is something about it that bothers me.”
“Like what?”
“I can’t put my finger on it. Something is wrong.”
He reached over and took her hand.
“I’m sure it’ll be fine. It’s just a stage.”
She remained unconvinced but there was no point pursuing this with Tony who like most men had no concept of the irrational, valid or otherwise.
Epilogue 42
I have found a new joy in my regular interactions with Anne, and I exist for nothing else - not that there really is much else. I have become quite adept at moving things around and have even found myself to be stronger than when I was alive. I see her whenever I can, sometimes to the point of excess, I suppose, but where is the harm in that? For some reason Liesel cannot see me like the first time. I don’t understand that. Maybe I don’t want her to? I am jealous of my times with Anne. It is as if I am being given the chance to recapture the time I lost with my children because of my foolish mistakes.
I wonder why it is that I can see and touch, but can’t hear, speak or taste. It seems an odd limitation to place on inter-dimensional interaction. I am determined to speak to my dear Anne.
There is a dark cloud however, a new sensation around me, in me, intangible yet there, lurking with a dark malevolence. I experienced something like it once before at the cemetery. This is not as strong, but it seems to follow me, and grows steadily stronger.
It makes me afraid.
I wonder why it is that I can see and touch, but can’t hear, speak or taste. It seems an odd limitation to place on inter-dimensional interaction. I am determined to speak to my dear Anne.
There is a dark cloud however, a new sensation around me, in me, intangible yet there, lurking with a dark malevolence. I experienced something like it once before at the cemetery. This is not as strong, but it seems to follow me, and grows steadily stronger.
It makes me afraid.
Epilogue 41
Liesel watched through the kitchen window as Anne swung effortlessly from the tree swing. She appeared to be chattering away to someone but the garden was empty. Liesel smiled to herself - she had had an imaginary friend as a child, particularly when there was blame to apportion. She knocked on the window and waved. Anne did not answer, so Liesel went to the back door and called, “Anne, time to come in, love!”
Her daughter still did not answer, continuing to chatter enthusiastically while the swing continued its effortless pendulum motion.
Something about her daughter’s expression troubled her, so Liesel hurried over and caught the swing, bringing it to a gentle stop.
“Anne?”
Anne suddenly stopped talking, waking, as if from a trance, and looked up startled at her mother.
“Who were you talking to, Sweetie?”
Anne looked a little guilty but did not respond.
“Anne,” Liesel’s voice hardened, “tell me who you were talking to.”
Her daughter started to cry.
Her daughter still did not answer, continuing to chatter enthusiastically while the swing continued its effortless pendulum motion.
Something about her daughter’s expression troubled her, so Liesel hurried over and caught the swing, bringing it to a gentle stop.
“Anne?”
Anne suddenly stopped talking, waking, as if from a trance, and looked up startled at her mother.
“Who were you talking to, Sweetie?”
Anne looked a little guilty but did not respond.
“Anne,” Liesel’s voice hardened, “tell me who you were talking to.”
Her daughter started to cry.
Epilogue 40
I am dreaming again.
I stand beneath a sullen sky on a broad, cobble-stoned road, amidst a stream of grey souls who press against me, urging me to follow them. I turn my head to see where they are headed – it is a cold, dark tunnel, black as ink, beckoning. “Come,” they whisper. “Come.” But I don’t want to, because it is not my time. Not yet. I turn to face them, bracing myself, and take my first step forward, struggling against the torrent. In the distance the horizon glows with a pale orange radiance.
I stand beneath a sullen sky on a broad, cobble-stoned road, amidst a stream of grey souls who press against me, urging me to follow them. I turn my head to see where they are headed – it is a cold, dark tunnel, black as ink, beckoning. “Come,” they whisper. “Come.” But I don’t want to, because it is not my time. Not yet. I turn to face them, bracing myself, and take my first step forward, struggling against the torrent. In the distance the horizon glows with a pale orange radiance.
Epilogue 39
She sat engrossed in a world of tactile colours, interlocking blocks and cuddly toys. I approached cautiously, not wanting a repeat of the other night, but she did not appear to notice me, and was fully absorbed in the construction of a tower. She used her soft, pudgy fingers to place the blocks with careful, deliberate precision, all the while chattering to herself.
I sat down opposite her, watching her play. The wintery sun shone through the window, glinting off her soft, golden locks, forming a perfectly angelic picture, so much like Liesel when she was that age. I longed to pick her up, my beautiful granddaughter.
Then, suddenly, looking directly at me as if I had been there all along playing with her, she held out a block, her bright eyes enquiring and her mouth moving as if to say, “Ta?”
Transfixed I reached out and took the block. It stayed in my hand for a fraction of a second, feeling almost like a wet sponge, before falling to the floor. She leaned forward, picked up the block and gave it to me a second time. Again I took it, this time concentrating like never before, and watched as it hovered shakily, inches above the ground. She seemed to squeal with glee and pointed to the tower. Slowly I willed the little block towards the tower and watched as it settled, almost miraculously in place on top of the other blocks.
She shook her arms with scarcely contained excitement, and picked up another block to give me.
“Ta?”
I sat down opposite her, watching her play. The wintery sun shone through the window, glinting off her soft, golden locks, forming a perfectly angelic picture, so much like Liesel when she was that age. I longed to pick her up, my beautiful granddaughter.
Then, suddenly, looking directly at me as if I had been there all along playing with her, she held out a block, her bright eyes enquiring and her mouth moving as if to say, “Ta?”
Transfixed I reached out and took the block. It stayed in my hand for a fraction of a second, feeling almost like a wet sponge, before falling to the floor. She leaned forward, picked up the block and gave it to me a second time. Again I took it, this time concentrating like never before, and watched as it hovered shakily, inches above the ground. She seemed to squeal with glee and pointed to the tower. Slowly I willed the little block towards the tower and watched as it settled, almost miraculously in place on top of the other blocks.
She shook her arms with scarcely contained excitement, and picked up another block to give me.
“Ta?”
Epilogue 38
Kyle Standford cowered in the darkness.
There were others, like him, but he feared them, sensing their rage, their universal hatred.
If this was Hell then there were no flames or leering gargoyles, just an infinite, cold, loveless, dark eternity.
In the distance he could make out a solitary candle, its light and warmth tantalisingly close but somehow unattainable. In vain he reached for it, but his self-made darkness clung to him and drew him back where the others waited.
There were others, like him, but he feared them, sensing their rage, their universal hatred.
If this was Hell then there were no flames or leering gargoyles, just an infinite, cold, loveless, dark eternity.
In the distance he could make out a solitary candle, its light and warmth tantalisingly close but somehow unattainable. In vain he reached for it, but his self-made darkness clung to him and drew him back where the others waited.
Epilogue 37
It has, rather surprisingly, taken me a long time to recover my composure. I don't know why that is. You would have thought that this breakthrough would be just what I wanted, something to celebrate. However, it caught me by surprise, much like you might feel if you were spotted with your pants down, an intruder, a dark voyeur with no business in the land of the living.
But what else is there to do? Am I to spend my days in sad solitude staring at soundless waves and dreaming of happier times? No, this is my family, and if whatever Fate does not like it, they can darn well move me on to some other place.
I didn't like it however that Liesel screamed. I wonder what I looked like to her, whether something like my old self, or some horrible, decayed ghoul? I also wonder why just at that moment I was visible to them, whether the strong emotional connection enabled that, or whether it was something I could turn on or off at will.
So many questions again, and no Amy to help me lighten up.
But what else is there to do? Am I to spend my days in sad solitude staring at soundless waves and dreaming of happier times? No, this is my family, and if whatever Fate does not like it, they can darn well move me on to some other place.
I didn't like it however that Liesel screamed. I wonder what I looked like to her, whether something like my old self, or some horrible, decayed ghoul? I also wonder why just at that moment I was visible to them, whether the strong emotional connection enabled that, or whether it was something I could turn on or off at will.
So many questions again, and no Amy to help me lighten up.
Epilogue 36
“I was not dreaming!” she shouted, her irritation at her husband’s insouciance growing.
He looked across the breakfast table at his wife, barely concealing a smile, and replied, “I mean, come on Liesel, your father a ghost?”
“I know what I saw,” she pouted. “Harry woke me up with his racket and then I saw him. I nearly jumped out of my skin.”
He laughed, “You and me both. You screamed like a banshee, so to speak.”
She hit him playfully. “You’ll see, ye of little faith. You still haven't explained the broken vase, smart ass.”
“Some more tea?” he replied, fluttering his eye lashes impishly.
He looked across the breakfast table at his wife, barely concealing a smile, and replied, “I mean, come on Liesel, your father a ghost?”
“I know what I saw,” she pouted. “Harry woke me up with his racket and then I saw him. I nearly jumped out of my skin.”
He laughed, “You and me both. You screamed like a banshee, so to speak.”
She hit him playfully. “You’ll see, ye of little faith. You still haven't explained the broken vase, smart ass.”
“Some more tea?” he replied, fluttering his eye lashes impishly.
Epilogue 35
Her name I found out was Anne. It was written on the door of her little room amidst a wreath of flowers and teddy bears. She lay sleeping peacefully under soft covers, her thumb buried comfortingly inside her mouth. Above her a mobile dangled sparkly planets and comets, twisting slowly in some invisible draft.
I willed myself through the wall to where Liesel and Tony lay sleeping, entwined in each other’s arms. I had misjudged Tony the Accountant. He was a fine man and husband, and Liesel had clearly found happiness in him.
Then I noticed a small movement at the foot of their bed, a cat, a familiar though different figure, was breathing gently as it lay curled in a ball. Could it really be Harry? I drew closer, noticing the absence of his stomach. Liesel was clearly looking after him properly.
Suddenly his eyes opened he started and jumped up, letting out a low, menacing growl, the hair on hid back bristling. I realised he could sense me!
Liesel stirred and sat up sleepily.
“What is it, Harry?”
Then she stiffened, looked straight at me, and screamed.
I fled from the scene, knocking over a vase, sending it crashing to the floor.
I willed myself through the wall to where Liesel and Tony lay sleeping, entwined in each other’s arms. I had misjudged Tony the Accountant. He was a fine man and husband, and Liesel had clearly found happiness in him.
Then I noticed a small movement at the foot of their bed, a cat, a familiar though different figure, was breathing gently as it lay curled in a ball. Could it really be Harry? I drew closer, noticing the absence of his stomach. Liesel was clearly looking after him properly.
Suddenly his eyes opened he started and jumped up, letting out a low, menacing growl, the hair on hid back bristling. I realised he could sense me!
Liesel stirred and sat up sleepily.
“What is it, Harry?”
Then she stiffened, looked straight at me, and screamed.
I fled from the scene, knocking over a vase, sending it crashing to the floor.
Epilogue 34
I had what seemed like a dream, a vision perhaps, of a time gone by. In it I stood on a beach, the benign, warm sun on my head, watching the sea emit an endless assault of foamy waves against our brave little sand castle. We had laboured all morning with buckets and spades on shell-studded walls, turrets and moats, and now stood waiting for the tide. Nearby, Fiona lay under our beach umbrella reading some irrelevant yet engaging bestseller. She noticed me staring, looked up and waved. I nudged the girls and we all waved back, smiling and whooping gleefully like the little children we were.
I was happy, truly, deeply, blissfully happy, as never before, but the moment did not last, and the waves did come, eventually knocking down our little fortress of contentment. The vision faded but my heart was strangely encouraged.
I was happy, truly, deeply, blissfully happy, as never before, but the moment did not last, and the waves did come, eventually knocking down our little fortress of contentment. The vision faded but my heart was strangely encouraged.
Epilogue 33
What is this place, this gloomy doom that is my ageless prison? I spend my moments drifting aimlessly from one memory to another, listlessly observing life as it is, as it was. Sometimes I sit by the sea as I used to with Amy before she too disappeared - the endless, noiseless cycle of waves provides a soothing yet insubstantial parallel to my existence here. I sit there oblivious to the passing of the days, and even perhaps the seasons - who can tell? I long to see how my children and now grandchildren are getting on but the pain of seeing them without the possibility of touch is too much to bear, so I don’t.
My grief overwhelms me but I know not where to turn.
My grief overwhelms me but I know not where to turn.
Epilogue 32
It did not occur to me for quite some time that perhaps she would not be coming, that after all she had no unfinished business.
I followed the ambulance to the hospital, waited as they placed her in the morgue, waited as Rev Dave was called to identify her, waited as the undertaker washed her frail body with unashamed carelessness, and waited as she was buried by an immense crowd of friends.
I waited, but Elsbeth did not come.
I followed the ambulance to the hospital, waited as they placed her in the morgue, waited as Rev Dave was called to identify her, waited as the undertaker washed her frail body with unashamed carelessness, and waited as she was buried by an immense crowd of friends.
I waited, but Elsbeth did not come.
Epilogue 31
I knew it was just a matter of time and waited with a patience I did not know I had. My beloved's body lay bloodied on the side walk, dead. Soon she would arrive, confused, but I would be here to greet her, to embrace her, and all would be well.
I waited with growing anticipation.
I waited with growing anticipation.
Epilogue 30
Kyle Stanford sat behind the wheel of his new car, waiting impatiently for the traffic lights to change. That was the problem with London, too many fucking traffic lights, and too many fucking rules for that matter. His car had been clamped and he'd needed to fork out £50 to release it. The bastards!
He stared with growing frustration at the empty road ahead of him, while he waited at the pointless red lights. In the distance an old woman crossed the road but he did not notice, nor would he have cared particularly.
Suddenly the car leapt forward, roaring, as if the accelerator was flattened by some unseen force. Kyle was thrown back in to his seat. Cursing with alarm he reached forward and grabbed hold of the steering well and slammed on the breaks. The car was filled with plumes of acrid smoke until he could see nothing, but continued to accelerate, pausing only briefly with a loud, soft crunch as it hit the old woman. Kyle screamed and continued to pump the breaks furiously but to no avail. The car hurtled inevitably towards the canal, eventually crashing through the barrier into the murky waters. In vain he struggled to open the doors but they wouldn't budge. The water slowly filled the car causing him to beat against the window in blind panic. Finally the air ran out and leaving him scrabbling desperately at the closed windows, trying to escape.
Outside a pale young white face looked on sadly, then reached forward through the glass to grab hold of him.
He screamed one last time.
He stared with growing frustration at the empty road ahead of him, while he waited at the pointless red lights. In the distance an old woman crossed the road but he did not notice, nor would he have cared particularly.
Suddenly the car leapt forward, roaring, as if the accelerator was flattened by some unseen force. Kyle was thrown back in to his seat. Cursing with alarm he reached forward and grabbed hold of the steering well and slammed on the breaks. The car was filled with plumes of acrid smoke until he could see nothing, but continued to accelerate, pausing only briefly with a loud, soft crunch as it hit the old woman. Kyle screamed and continued to pump the breaks furiously but to no avail. The car hurtled inevitably towards the canal, eventually crashing through the barrier into the murky waters. In vain he struggled to open the doors but they wouldn't budge. The water slowly filled the car causing him to beat against the window in blind panic. Finally the air ran out and leaving him scrabbling desperately at the closed windows, trying to escape.
Outside a pale young white face looked on sadly, then reached forward through the glass to grab hold of him.
He screamed one last time.
Epilogue 29
Elsbeth locked the shop door and pulled down the shutters, sighing again at the foul graffiti spray painted all over it. Why did someone with such talent not do something more useful?
The sun lay low in the Autumn sky, casting a golden glow over the city. She looked up at the pale blue sky littered with straggling grey remnants of the afternoon gloom. There was bound to be a beautiful sunset this evening, she thought, and started a gentle walk towards the pub, humming "My Jesus I love thee" to herself.
The sun lay low in the Autumn sky, casting a golden glow over the city. She looked up at the pale blue sky littered with straggling grey remnants of the afternoon gloom. There was bound to be a beautiful sunset this evening, she thought, and started a gentle walk towards the pub, humming "My Jesus I love thee" to herself.
Epilogue 28
The cup moved slowly across the table.
"That's it!" Amy shrieked. "You've got it! Feel the cup! Be the cup!"
I was thrilled beyond belief. Perhaps this was the beginning, the first feeble steps of my journey towards being able to interact with the living. Dared I hope for more?
"Do you think we'll ever be able to materialise, like ghosts in horror stories?"
Amy shrugged. "I guess so but I've never been able to."
I gazed at her, deciding then to pursue an avenue of conversation I had been avoiding so far.
"Would you want to?" I asked.
She did not look up but replied, "I don't have anybody."
"Nobody?"
"No.
"Amy," I hesitated, "tell me what happened."
She shook her head. "I told you, I don't know."
I took her hand and spoke to her gently, "Tell me."
She looked up, her eyes filled with tears. "I think he killed me."
"Killed you?" I exclaimed. "Who? Kyle?"
She nodded. "When I was sleeping. I remember waking up and being unable to breathe, and struggling against an immense, smothering pressure over my face."
I felt a rage rise within me. "What a bastard. Where is he now?"
She pointed ... to my block of flats. Understanding suddenly flooded my mind: the noisy couple, the fight, Harry, the silence.
"Do you visit him?" I asked
Amy shook her head. "No, I'm too frightened."
"Frightened?" I replied. "Of what? He can't touch you any more."
"No," she said, "of what I might do to him."
"That's it!" Amy shrieked. "You've got it! Feel the cup! Be the cup!"
I was thrilled beyond belief. Perhaps this was the beginning, the first feeble steps of my journey towards being able to interact with the living. Dared I hope for more?
"Do you think we'll ever be able to materialise, like ghosts in horror stories?"
Amy shrugged. "I guess so but I've never been able to."
I gazed at her, deciding then to pursue an avenue of conversation I had been avoiding so far.
"Would you want to?" I asked.
She did not look up but replied, "I don't have anybody."
"Nobody?"
"No.
"Amy," I hesitated, "tell me what happened."
She shook her head. "I told you, I don't know."
I took her hand and spoke to her gently, "Tell me."
She looked up, her eyes filled with tears. "I think he killed me."
"Killed you?" I exclaimed. "Who? Kyle?"
She nodded. "When I was sleeping. I remember waking up and being unable to breathe, and struggling against an immense, smothering pressure over my face."
I felt a rage rise within me. "What a bastard. Where is he now?"
She pointed ... to my block of flats. Understanding suddenly flooded my mind: the noisy couple, the fight, Harry, the silence.
"Do you visit him?" I asked
Amy shook her head. "No, I'm too frightened."
"Frightened?" I replied. "Of what? He can't touch you any more."
"No," she said, "of what I might do to him."
Epilogue 27
She lay the flowers against her father's gravestone. It was one year since he had passed away and Jojo, or Jo as she now liked to be called, stood silently, reflecting, her long hair fluttering gently in the late Autumn breeze.
She missed the old man, his dry, twinkling sense of humour, and the way he crinkled his nose in disgust at humanity. Well, he pretended to, because she knew his deep capacity for love. She brushed a stray tear from her eye and sighed.
From somewhere he watched her sadly, wanting just for a fleeting moment to reach out and touch her, to sense the warmth of her soft skin, the fragrance of her hair, to feel the touch of her embrace.
Life and death had one thing in common it seemed: both were intensely cruel.
She missed the old man, his dry, twinkling sense of humour, and the way he crinkled his nose in disgust at humanity. Well, he pretended to, because she knew his deep capacity for love. She brushed a stray tear from her eye and sighed.
From somewhere he watched her sadly, wanting just for a fleeting moment to reach out and touch her, to sense the warmth of her soft skin, the fragrance of her hair, to feel the touch of her embrace.
Life and death had one thing in common it seemed: both were intensely cruel.
Epilogue 26
The front door opened quietly and a man stepped into the room. He paused to listen, watching as she lay sleeping on the bed, exhausted from an evening of sorrow.
He did not feel bad about the arguments. This was life, shitty as hell, and he did not care for the weak. He was strong. He had made some limited success as a pimp and was not going to let some deranged junkie take him down with her.
He did not turn on the light - there was no need - and made his way to the bed where she lay breathing gently. He watched her for another moment, perhaps stirred by some stray tenderness, but then leaned over, reaching for a pillow. She stirred, whimpering softly. He placed the pillow firmly over her face, causing her to struggle violently for air. She was however no match for him and her futile protests gradually faded.
He waited a minute to be sure, then whistled softly to his waiting companion waiting outside the front door.
Had the old man in the flat below been awake he might have heard the sound of heavy footsteps on the stairs outside his door, but he was not, dreaming instead of long, windy walks on the Broads with a panting black Labrador by his side.
He did not feel bad about the arguments. This was life, shitty as hell, and he did not care for the weak. He was strong. He had made some limited success as a pimp and was not going to let some deranged junkie take him down with her.
He did not turn on the light - there was no need - and made his way to the bed where she lay breathing gently. He watched her for another moment, perhaps stirred by some stray tenderness, but then leaned over, reaching for a pillow. She stirred, whimpering softly. He placed the pillow firmly over her face, causing her to struggle violently for air. She was however no match for him and her futile protests gradually faded.
He waited a minute to be sure, then whistled softly to his waiting companion waiting outside the front door.
Had the old man in the flat below been awake he might have heard the sound of heavy footsteps on the stairs outside his door, but he was not, dreaming instead of long, windy walks on the Broads with a panting black Labrador by his side.
Epilogue 25
She lay sobbing on the bed, her body heaving. They had argued again. It seemed now all they did was argue.
He was sleeping with Angela and hadn't even the decency to deny it. She knew he was off her, but it was his fault that she'd started on the drugs that now held her captive, it was his fault for sending her out onto the streets where men demanded loathsome things that destroyed her inside, but it was her fault for letting him.
They had screamed at each other until there were no more words and he stormed out of the flat, slamming the door behind him, leaving her to cry alone.
In the flat below an old man stirred in his bed. Perhaps now he'd be able to get some sleep, he thought.
He was sleeping with Angela and hadn't even the decency to deny it. She knew he was off her, but it was his fault that she'd started on the drugs that now held her captive, it was his fault for sending her out onto the streets where men demanded loathsome things that destroyed her inside, but it was her fault for letting him.
They had screamed at each other until there were no more words and he stormed out of the flat, slamming the door behind him, leaving her to cry alone.
In the flat below an old man stirred in his bed. Perhaps now he'd be able to get some sleep, he thought.
Epilogue 24
He walked into the lounge, struggling under the burden of a large flatpacked item, a cupboard it turned out. Something was definitely up at Liesel's. First the little bump, now the frenetic decorating activity in their spare room. Definitely a baby on the way! I felt an odd mixture of emotions: great excitement and joy at the prospect of my first grand child, yet immense sadness that I would not be there to share in the miracle.
I watched them as they laboured away together, preparing the room for their imminent arrival, joking together and still very obviously in love. It reminded me of so long ago when Liesel was born. Such an exciting time it was, full of joint anticipation and wonder.
I still remember, as if it were yesterday, bringing home the little bundle all wrapped in white from the hospital, placing her carry chair in the middle of the lounge and sitting next to Fiona, together wondering how on earth we were going to care for this little being that had invaded our lives.
I looked at Liesel, now all grown up, resting a little while Tony carried on trying to figure out the obscure flat pack instructions. She was every bit her mother, except perhaps in temperament where she had a bad dose of her old father's sardonic seriousness.
She looked happy and yet my heart felt as if it wanted to break.
I watched them as they laboured away together, preparing the room for their imminent arrival, joking together and still very obviously in love. It reminded me of so long ago when Liesel was born. Such an exciting time it was, full of joint anticipation and wonder.
I still remember, as if it were yesterday, bringing home the little bundle all wrapped in white from the hospital, placing her carry chair in the middle of the lounge and sitting next to Fiona, together wondering how on earth we were going to care for this little being that had invaded our lives.
I looked at Liesel, now all grown up, resting a little while Tony carried on trying to figure out the obscure flat pack instructions. She was every bit her mother, except perhaps in temperament where she had a bad dose of her old father's sardonic seriousness.
She looked happy and yet my heart felt as if it wanted to break.
Epilogue 23
"What's troubling you, Joe?"
He did not answer but I knew him well enough to wait. Eventually he sighed deeply and raised his eyes slowly to look at me.
"Aaron, my dear old friend, I've done something terrible."
I nodded encouragingly, continuing to wait.
"It's been on my heart for many years, and I've wanted to tell you, but coward that I am, I just couldn't."
I looked at him earnestly. "Go on, tell me. We're dead. What's the worst that can happen?"
He did not smile.
"I slept with Fiona."
I did not reply, stunned by what he had said, a whirl of confusion and emotions flowing over me.
"It was just the once, when you started going off the rails. She'd been crying and phoned me to talk. I came around, and one thing led to another. I am so very sorry."
He broke down, tears flowing from deep sorrow within. I sat, silent for a long time, watching him weep. I should have been angry, but all I felt was pity for my friend who had screwed up and been riddled with guilt for so long. I leaned forward and took his arm.
"Joe, my friend. It was a long time ago."
He looked up, his face streaked with pain, uncomprehending. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him on the forehead.
"I forgive you, you idiot."
Then, suddenly, just as he had appeared, he disappeared.
He did not answer but I knew him well enough to wait. Eventually he sighed deeply and raised his eyes slowly to look at me.
"Aaron, my dear old friend, I've done something terrible."
I nodded encouragingly, continuing to wait.
"It's been on my heart for many years, and I've wanted to tell you, but coward that I am, I just couldn't."
I looked at him earnestly. "Go on, tell me. We're dead. What's the worst that can happen?"
He did not smile.
"I slept with Fiona."
I did not reply, stunned by what he had said, a whirl of confusion and emotions flowing over me.
"It was just the once, when you started going off the rails. She'd been crying and phoned me to talk. I came around, and one thing led to another. I am so very sorry."
He broke down, tears flowing from deep sorrow within. I sat, silent for a long time, watching him weep. I should have been angry, but all I felt was pity for my friend who had screwed up and been riddled with guilt for so long. I leaned forward and took his arm.
"Joe, my friend. It was a long time ago."
He looked up, his face streaked with pain, uncomprehending. I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him on the forehead.
"I forgive you, you idiot."
Then, suddenly, just as he had appeared, he disappeared.
Epilogue 22
He looked at her angrily. "What the fuck are those?"
Cowering, she replied, "Just a little something I bought."
"Just a little something I bought," he repeated mockingly. She could see the menace in his eyes. "Where did you get the money?"
"I saved it."
"Saved it?"
"Yes", she replied.
"You been keeping money from me? You earn little enough as it is!"
"No, Kyle. You know I'd never do that.
He grabbed her arm roughly, causing her to whimper. "I hope you you're not fucking with me. You know what I do with people who fuck with me!"
"Kyle, I'm not lying," she pleaded.
"You're pathetic," he spat, throwing her to he ground and storming out of the room. She lay on the floor weeping quietly, clutching the two little pigs to her breast.
Cowering, she replied, "Just a little something I bought."
"Just a little something I bought," he repeated mockingly. She could see the menace in his eyes. "Where did you get the money?"
"I saved it."
"Saved it?"
"Yes", she replied.
"You been keeping money from me? You earn little enough as it is!"
"No, Kyle. You know I'd never do that.
He grabbed her arm roughly, causing her to whimper. "I hope you you're not fucking with me. You know what I do with people who fuck with me!"
"Kyle, I'm not lying," she pleaded.
"You're pathetic," he spat, throwing her to he ground and storming out of the room. She lay on the floor weeping quietly, clutching the two little pigs to her breast.
Epilogue 21
Elsbeth was glad to be back at work. The charity shop had fallen into disarray in her absence so she busied herself organising the motley collection of unwanted offerings into attractive displays. She had a gift for making the ordinary look exceptional and applied it well. The busyness helped her to forget the dull ache that had been her ever present companion in recent weeks. She enjoyed the interaction with Mabel who managed the till, and even the occasional gruff encounter with Anne-Marie the area manager, who despite her dour façade had shown Elsbeth surprising compassion when she needed it.
The door opened, clinking a little bell to announce the arrival of a potential customer. A slender young woman entered, dressed in an ill fitting plain, floral frock that hung awkwardly on her bony frame. Elsbeth asked if she needed any help, but she declined. After some time she settled on a set of porcelain pigs and brought them to the till for payment.
Elsbeth smiled at her. "Those are lovely."
The girl nodded shyly, looking nervously at the ground while paying, and then hurried out of the shop clutching her purchase.
Mabel turned to Elsbeth. "Troubled little one, that."
Elsbeth nodded.
"Did you see the needle marks?"
The door opened, clinking a little bell to announce the arrival of a potential customer. A slender young woman entered, dressed in an ill fitting plain, floral frock that hung awkwardly on her bony frame. Elsbeth asked if she needed any help, but she declined. After some time she settled on a set of porcelain pigs and brought them to the till for payment.
Elsbeth smiled at her. "Those are lovely."
The girl nodded shyly, looking nervously at the ground while paying, and then hurried out of the shop clutching her purchase.
Mabel turned to Elsbeth. "Troubled little one, that."
Elsbeth nodded.
"Did you see the needle marks?"
Epilogue 20
"You know, Aaron, in some respects I'm not surprised to be here."
"No?"
"No, my faith took quite a beating in the last few years, particularly when I started feeling unwell."
I looked at him, waiting.
"I'd served Him faithfully for so many years, and whilst it wasn't all roses, in general I had a sense that He was on my side. But then it all started going wrong and I began to doubt. Silly, I know."
I shook my head. "Not at all, Joe. It's a very natural feeling."
"Maybe for you," he replied, "but my faith was supposed to be strong, when in reality it was just untested. And I failed miserably."
"No?"
"No, my faith took quite a beating in the last few years, particularly when I started feeling unwell."
I looked at him, waiting.
"I'd served Him faithfully for so many years, and whilst it wasn't all roses, in general I had a sense that He was on my side. But then it all started going wrong and I began to doubt. Silly, I know."
I shook my head. "Not at all, Joe. It's a very natural feeling."
"Maybe for you," he replied, "but my faith was supposed to be strong, when in reality it was just untested. And I failed miserably."
Epilogue 19
They lived in a little flat. It wasn't much, but it was their home. Fresh flowers stolen from the old biddy across the road adorned the window sill, framed by tired, faded curtains that may well have been woven from forgotten cobwebs.
He lay snoring gently on the sofa bed. It had been a long night: trouble with the police, as well as a belligerent punter who'd had too much to drink and had demanded his money back. Kyle had told him to feck off and write to consumer protection if he liked.
She was so proud that he'd stood up for her, his little Amy.
He lay snoring gently on the sofa bed. It had been a long night: trouble with the police, as well as a belligerent punter who'd had too much to drink and had demanded his money back. Kyle had told him to feck off and write to consumer protection if he liked.
She was so proud that he'd stood up for her, his little Amy.
Epilogue 18
I decided after much thought to mention my little success to Amy. She looked at me, not with surprise, but with bemused disbelief.
"You moved a teaspoon?"
I nodded, foolishly very pleased with myself.
She laughed out loud. "You are such an numpty, you know, Aaron?"
I looked at her, confused. She continued chuckling, then beckoned to me.
"Watch this."
And I watched as she hurled a chair in the room below from one end of the room to the other, causing a sleeping cat to leap 2 feet from the ground in hair-raised panic. She looked at me triumphantly, then softened, touching my arm.
"It'll come. I've been here longer than you, I guess. Just keep on practising."
Then she wandered off giggling and singing to herself, "I'm a little teaspoon, short and stout..."
"You moved a teaspoon?"
I nodded, foolishly very pleased with myself.
She laughed out loud. "You are such an numpty, you know, Aaron?"
I looked at her, confused. She continued chuckling, then beckoned to me.
"Watch this."
And I watched as she hurled a chair in the room below from one end of the room to the other, causing a sleeping cat to leap 2 feet from the ground in hair-raised panic. She looked at me triumphantly, then softened, touching my arm.
"It'll come. I've been here longer than you, I guess. Just keep on practising."
Then she wandered off giggling and singing to herself, "I'm a little teaspoon, short and stout..."
Epilogue 17
She noticed the care slowing down, just as she had noticed it circling many times, cruising. The car stopped and she watched the window slowly wind down. She tottered over towards it, balanced on perilous heels, and leaned forward, deliberately revealing her deep, inviting cleavage.
"So what'll it be, lover?"
The phrase still felt uncomfortable on her lips, as did the whole experience, but she was learning quickly.
It was either that or starve.
"So what'll it be, lover?"
The phrase still felt uncomfortable on her lips, as did the whole experience, but she was learning quickly.
It was either that or starve.
Epilogue 16
"What are you doing here, Joe?"
He looked at me with pain in his eyes.
"I don't know, Aaron. This existence, if you can call it that, doesn't seem to be what was promised.
"Promised?"
"You know, heaven, pearly gates etc."
"Pearly gates??" I replied, incredulous. "You never really believe that crap, surely?"
"Take it easy, my friend. I'm hurting here."
I regretted the outburst, suddenly realising what it must be like for someone like Joe, faithful believer for so long, to end up in this place.
"I'm really sorry," I replied.
He took hold of my arm. "Don't worry about it. It is really good to see you."
He looked at me with pain in his eyes.
"I don't know, Aaron. This existence, if you can call it that, doesn't seem to be what was promised.
"Promised?"
"You know, heaven, pearly gates etc."
"Pearly gates??" I replied, incredulous. "You never really believe that crap, surely?"
"Take it easy, my friend. I'm hurting here."
I regretted the outburst, suddenly realising what it must be like for someone like Joe, faithful believer for so long, to end up in this place.
"I'm really sorry," I replied.
He took hold of my arm. "Don't worry about it. It is really good to see you."
Epilogue 15
Amy looked across the table at her boyfriend, tall and rugged, with steely eyes that held her in a gently gaze. She had not done well with men, but he seemed different.
She made up her mind.
She made up her mind.
Epilogue 14
I don't know why I visited the cemetery. It is a horrible, sad place where despair and regret hang heavily, interspersed here and there with a frightening intensity of hatred and anger. Yet I found myself there, drifting towards a familiar place, where Joe was buried, the words "beloved friend' adorning a humble stone. The plot was overgrown with weeds, angering me that my friend would have such an ignominious end. Dust to dust indeed.
"Hello, Aaron."
I spun around. "Joe!"
He grinned. "Yes, old timer. Long time no see."
I threw my arms around him, crying like a child.
"Hello, Aaron."
I spun around. "Joe!"
He grinned. "Yes, old timer. Long time no see."
I threw my arms around him, crying like a child.
Epilogue 13
"The thing is, David," Elsbeth continued. "I seem to have lost my way a little since Aaron left."
He nodded, urging her to continue.
"I just don't understand God's purpose in letting me fall in love again, after such sorrow when Tom died, only to put me through it again. I just need time to think."
The young man gazed at the saintly woman in front of him, his spiritual mother for so many years, now riddled with doubt. He so desperately wanted to find something suitable to say, but this was not a time for words.
Tears filled her eyes.
"I can't bear the sorrow any more."
He sat quietly, watching her weep.
He nodded, urging her to continue.
"I just don't understand God's purpose in letting me fall in love again, after such sorrow when Tom died, only to put me through it again. I just need time to think."
The young man gazed at the saintly woman in front of him, his spiritual mother for so many years, now riddled with doubt. He so desperately wanted to find something suitable to say, but this was not a time for words.
Tears filled her eyes.
"I can't bear the sorrow any more."
He sat quietly, watching her weep.
Epilogue 12
Something has been troubling me, ever since Amy mentioned it. Why are there not more people here? Why can I see Amy but not the others? Perhaps I knew here down there?
I didn't think so, but there was something maddeningly familiar about her.
I didn't think so, but there was something maddeningly familiar about her.
Epilogue 11
The doorbell rang.
Elsbeth woke from her daydream, got up, and answered the door. It was the young Reverend Dave.
"Hello David."
"I wish you wouldn't call me that," he replied, "Makes me feel like I've done something wrong."
She smiled.
"Anyway," he continued. "I just wanted to see how you were getting on. We haven't seen much of you since ..." He stopped, unsure of how to continue.
She took his hand encouragingly. "Would you like some tea?"
He brightened. "I'd love some."
Elsbeth woke from her daydream, got up, and answered the door. It was the young Reverend Dave.
"Hello David."
"I wish you wouldn't call me that," he replied, "Makes me feel like I've done something wrong."
She smiled.
"Anyway," he continued. "I just wanted to see how you were getting on. We haven't seen much of you since ..." He stopped, unsure of how to continue.
She took his hand encouragingly. "Would you like some tea?"
He brightened. "I'd love some."
Epilogue 10
The sea rushed and churned around our feet, seething over hungry, expectant rock pools. I loved the sea, and would spent many an hour sitting on the rocks just staring at the waves roll in endlessly, at least until a little hand tugged at me for attention.
"You know I used to live by the sea, Aaron?"
I looked up, startled, suddenly remembering where I was.
"Oh? Er, no I didn't. Where was that?"
"Rye, in Kent."
"That's a lovely part of the world."
Amy nodded.
"We had a dog called Goober that we used to take walking along Camber Sands. He was a complete nutter - used to try and bite the waves." She paused. "He got run over."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"It was a long time ago," she replied, then asked, "Do you think pets end up in a place like this?"
I shrugged. In the past I might have scoffed at such sentimental nonsense - dust to dust, man and beast alike - but now I wasn't quite so sure.
"You know," she continued, "I'm surprised it is not busier."
"It's the weather I suppose," I replied, "Not much fun sun bathing in the rain."
"Not there, dummy. Here, where we are."
"Oh?"
"Yes, I mean, with billions and billions of people dying through the ages, where is everybody?"
I chuckled. Where indeed?
She looked at me. "What's so funny?"
"Look who's asking silly questions now, Einstein!"
She poked me in the ribs. So to speak.
"You know I used to live by the sea, Aaron?"
I looked up, startled, suddenly remembering where I was.
"Oh? Er, no I didn't. Where was that?"
"Rye, in Kent."
"That's a lovely part of the world."
Amy nodded.
"We had a dog called Goober that we used to take walking along Camber Sands. He was a complete nutter - used to try and bite the waves." She paused. "He got run over."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"It was a long time ago," she replied, then asked, "Do you think pets end up in a place like this?"
I shrugged. In the past I might have scoffed at such sentimental nonsense - dust to dust, man and beast alike - but now I wasn't quite so sure.
"You know," she continued, "I'm surprised it is not busier."
"It's the weather I suppose," I replied, "Not much fun sun bathing in the rain."
"Not there, dummy. Here, where we are."
"Oh?"
"Yes, I mean, with billions and billions of people dying through the ages, where is everybody?"
I chuckled. Where indeed?
She looked at me. "What's so funny?"
"Look who's asking silly questions now, Einstein!"
She poked me in the ribs. So to speak.
Epilogue 9
Elsbeth could not shake the eerie feeling that she was being watched.
It was silly really, she thought, because here in her living room, behind drawn curtains, such things were impossible. She decided to put the kettle on - a nice cup of tea is what she needed.
She did not notice the teaspoon move imperceptibly.
Nor did she hear the soundless whoop of joy.
It was silly really, she thought, because here in her living room, behind drawn curtains, such things were impossible. She decided to put the kettle on - a nice cup of tea is what she needed.
She did not notice the teaspoon move imperceptibly.
Nor did she hear the soundless whoop of joy.
Epilogue 8
The days, if you can call them that, are long, and flow endlessly, timelessly into one another. There is no bliss of sleep to delineate or help forget the rigours of the day - there is just one long today.
I spend most of my time wandering, listlessly visiting the places I had been, and I don't know why I do, because they fill me with such sadness and emptiness. I cannot abide the detachment, and even the loneliness I once pretended to relish now just aches unbearably.
My favourite times are the occasions I happen to meet Amy. She is still the only soul I can more than just sense. The “others” remain distant though often I feel I can detect fragrances, emotions, and nuances of their beings, like the glimpses of a rainbow through a haze of clouds. Mostly it is sadness I feel, tinged with regret, but sometimes there is something darker, a terribly hatred awash with an evil that seems to draw you in like a dreadful despair, spiralling ever downwards.
Amy however is my ray of sunshine, reminding me so fondly of my little Jojo, impish in her laughter, relentless in her teasing, and full of irreverent mirth. I asked her if she thought we could interact with the living. She looked at me a long time before replying with a twinkle in her voice, “Now why would you want to do that I wonder?”
I think I blushed, or whatever it is called over here.
I spend most of my time wandering, listlessly visiting the places I had been, and I don't know why I do, because they fill me with such sadness and emptiness. I cannot abide the detachment, and even the loneliness I once pretended to relish now just aches unbearably.
My favourite times are the occasions I happen to meet Amy. She is still the only soul I can more than just sense. The “others” remain distant though often I feel I can detect fragrances, emotions, and nuances of their beings, like the glimpses of a rainbow through a haze of clouds. Mostly it is sadness I feel, tinged with regret, but sometimes there is something darker, a terribly hatred awash with an evil that seems to draw you in like a dreadful despair, spiralling ever downwards.
Amy however is my ray of sunshine, reminding me so fondly of my little Jojo, impish in her laughter, relentless in her teasing, and full of irreverent mirth. I asked her if she thought we could interact with the living. She looked at me a long time before replying with a twinkle in her voice, “Now why would you want to do that I wonder?”
I think I blushed, or whatever it is called over here.
Epilogue 7
Elsbeth sat on the park bench, staring listlessly at the birds feeding around her. The sun shone brightly on her back but she did not relish it's touch. An unusual gloom had descended on her since Aaron's death. Even Tom's death had not affected her this way. She had mourned but after a while her practical, positive outlook on life had taken over and she had moved on. But this was different. It lingered and dragged her down, leaving her without any energy or appetite for life.
She looked at the empty bench opposite where she had first seen Aaron and felt a bitter pang of emptiness.
She got up, startling the birds around her into flight, and headed back to her empty flat, forgetting her book on the bench.
She looked at the empty bench opposite where she had first seen Aaron and felt a bitter pang of emptiness.
She got up, startling the birds around her into flight, and headed back to her empty flat, forgetting her book on the bench.
Epilogue 6
"Why aren't there more spirits around?"
Amy shrugged, "I don't know, Aaron. I never really thought about it. Perhaps its because we are new."
"New?" I replied quizzically, "How long have you been here?"
"Hard to say, but it doesn't feel very long. I hung around with another woman for a while, but she left."
"Left?"
"Yep, just plain old disappeared."
"Was she the only one?" I asked.
"More or less," she replied, "though sometimes you get a sense that others are near."
"What happened to you?"
"I don't know," she replied.
"You don't?"
"No. I went to bed one night, and woke up here."
"How strange. What do you think happened?"
She did not answer, but I sensed a darkness about her for the first time.
Amy shrugged, "I don't know, Aaron. I never really thought about it. Perhaps its because we are new."
"New?" I replied quizzically, "How long have you been here?"
"Hard to say, but it doesn't feel very long. I hung around with another woman for a while, but she left."
"Left?"
"Yep, just plain old disappeared."
"Was she the only one?" I asked.
"More or less," she replied, "though sometimes you get a sense that others are near."
"What happened to you?"
"I don't know," she replied.
"You don't?"
"No. I went to bed one night, and woke up here."
"How strange. What do you think happened?"
She did not answer, but I sensed a darkness about her for the first time.
Epilogue 5
"Hello again," said a familiar bubbly voice, interrupting my self-pitying reflections.
I turned.
"Oh, hello."
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing much, just thinking."
"About what?"
"Do you always ask this many questions?"
"Definitely!" she smiled. "So?"
"So what?"
"What are you thinking about?"
I smiled despite my gloom.
"Well, Amy, I was thinking about how sad it is that I am so close to my loved ones, yet so far."
She looked at me with gentle compassion in her sparkling eyes.
"You miss them?"
I nodded.
"Tell me about them."
So I did, amidst anguished tears and laughter.
And like a good friend, she listened to all of it.
I turned.
"Oh, hello."
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing much, just thinking."
"About what?"
"Do you always ask this many questions?"
"Definitely!" she smiled. "So?"
"So what?"
"What are you thinking about?"
I smiled despite my gloom.
"Well, Amy, I was thinking about how sad it is that I am so close to my loved ones, yet so far."
She looked at me with gentle compassion in her sparkling eyes.
"You miss them?"
I nodded.
"Tell me about them."
So I did, amidst anguished tears and laughter.
And like a good friend, she listened to all of it.
Epilogue 4
It is intensely weird attending your own funeral.
There I was, lying in a beautiful maple coffin, dressed in the suit Liesel bought me for Jojo's wedding. I thought I looked quite dapper, considering the state I was in.
Liesel, Jojo and Elsbeth sat in the front row, listening to the young Reverend Dave. I wished I could hear what he was saying. He was a charming young fellow and I bet he was bending the truth about me not a little.
A few other people I vaguely recognised were dotted around the place. Quite a disappointing send off, I thought. That's what you get for being a miserable old git, and it doesn't help that at my age friends were dropping around me like flies. Who am I kidding - I'm lucky anyone pitched up at all.
Then to my immense surprise Fiona rushed in, tottering perilously on inappropriate high heels whilst talking on here cranberry or whatever they call it. Straight from some important executive meeting no doubt, I thought bitterly, or perhaps doing her nails. Still, it was nice of her to come.
I followed them to the grave and watched as I was lowered into the dark earth. It was raining cats and dogs - how fitting. How I wanted to reach out and touch them, my girls, and my dear Elsbeth, but could not.
Was this Hell?
There I was, lying in a beautiful maple coffin, dressed in the suit Liesel bought me for Jojo's wedding. I thought I looked quite dapper, considering the state I was in.
Liesel, Jojo and Elsbeth sat in the front row, listening to the young Reverend Dave. I wished I could hear what he was saying. He was a charming young fellow and I bet he was bending the truth about me not a little.
A few other people I vaguely recognised were dotted around the place. Quite a disappointing send off, I thought. That's what you get for being a miserable old git, and it doesn't help that at my age friends were dropping around me like flies. Who am I kidding - I'm lucky anyone pitched up at all.
Then to my immense surprise Fiona rushed in, tottering perilously on inappropriate high heels whilst talking on here cranberry or whatever they call it. Straight from some important executive meeting no doubt, I thought bitterly, or perhaps doing her nails. Still, it was nice of her to come.
I followed them to the grave and watched as I was lowered into the dark earth. It was raining cats and dogs - how fitting. How I wanted to reach out and touch them, my girls, and my dear Elsbeth, but could not.
Was this Hell?
Epilogue 3
There are others here, but I've yet to meet somebody. There it is again, wrong word. How strange what assumptions language makes. I still think in English but am curiously encumbered by what are now inappropriate metaphors.
I don't know what form interaction would take in this world, whether communication is possible at all. There is no sound, an even the images are not that. I sense yet have no senses.
"Hello."
A voice in my head ... er mind, turning my attention. It's a woman, a young woman it would seem, though I'm not sure how I know.
"You're new here, aren't you?"
I want to nod, to speak, but can't.
"That's OK," she said, somehow smiling. "Just think it."
"Hello," I said in my mind.
She smiled.
"How come I can see you without my body?" I asked.
She shrugged, "I don't know. Is it important?"
I wasn't sure how to answer. Aaron down there would have insisted that it was, but now rational materialism, apart from being irrelevant, was also incorrect.
She laughed and I felt it like frizzy bubbles in my mind, the tinkling of silver bells in a spring breeze.
"I love your laugh," I said.
She bowed coyly, completely unperturbed by my unexpected directness, unlike me. I stood stunned at what I'd just said.
"Come," she giggled. "Let me show you around."
She held out her hand and somehow I took it.
I don't know what form interaction would take in this world, whether communication is possible at all. There is no sound, an even the images are not that. I sense yet have no senses.
"Hello."
A voice in my head ... er mind, turning my attention. It's a woman, a young woman it would seem, though I'm not sure how I know.
"You're new here, aren't you?"
I want to nod, to speak, but can't.
"That's OK," she said, somehow smiling. "Just think it."
"Hello," I said in my mind.
She smiled.
"How come I can see you without my body?" I asked.
She shrugged, "I don't know. Is it important?"
I wasn't sure how to answer. Aaron down there would have insisted that it was, but now rational materialism, apart from being irrelevant, was also incorrect.
She laughed and I felt it like frizzy bubbles in my mind, the tinkling of silver bells in a spring breeze.
"I love your laugh," I said.
She bowed coyly, completely unperturbed by my unexpected directness, unlike me. I stood stunned at what I'd just said.
"Come," she giggled. "Let me show you around."
She held out her hand and somehow I took it.
Epilogue 2
Elsbeth unlocked the door to her flat, and noticed for the first time how quiet it was. She'd lived there for many years, ever since her husband died, and it had become her home: small, comfortable, "doily infested" as Aaron used to say. She missed him terribly and felt another wave of grief overwhelm her, overflowing in drenching tears.
She was alone again. Surely, she prayed, once was enough?
There was no answer.
She was alone again. Surely, she prayed, once was enough?
There was no answer.
Epilogue 1
I didn't think death would be like this. Actually I didn't have any expectations whatsoever, apart from oblivion - if nothingness can be called an expectation. But here I am. Me, just not me in the old familiar sense - more like a detached me, disembodied ... literally.
Dying wasn't particularly painful - I suppose I have the morphine to thank for that. I remember saying something to Elsbeth, and watching her fade from view as my eyesight went; then a flurry of jumbled memories as my brain shut down, followed by darkness, total and utter, not frightening but somehow warm and comforting, perhaps like the womb might have been. Then this, a detached, pseudo coexistence with the world I knew.
I could see Elsbeth weeping below, though 'below' is not the right word for what must be a transdimensional direction, but it will suffice. I reached out to touch her but my hand passed straight through her, so I watched, unable to comfort her in her sorrow. Two nurses came in and tended to me, or what was me, my body, my old material self, now lying like an empty husk under cold white bed sheets. Then Jojo and Liesel entered, tears flowing from their eyes, holding each other for comfort. Elsbeth stood up, looking a little awkward, but they went to her, bless them, and the trio stood together arm in arm, mourning for old Aaron who was no more.
Except that I still am here, I shouted, but nobody heard, not even me.
Dying wasn't particularly painful - I suppose I have the morphine to thank for that. I remember saying something to Elsbeth, and watching her fade from view as my eyesight went; then a flurry of jumbled memories as my brain shut down, followed by darkness, total and utter, not frightening but somehow warm and comforting, perhaps like the womb might have been. Then this, a detached, pseudo coexistence with the world I knew.
I could see Elsbeth weeping below, though 'below' is not the right word for what must be a transdimensional direction, but it will suffice. I reached out to touch her but my hand passed straight through her, so I watched, unable to comfort her in her sorrow. Two nurses came in and tended to me, or what was me, my body, my old material self, now lying like an empty husk under cold white bed sheets. Then Jojo and Liesel entered, tears flowing from their eyes, holding each other for comfort. Elsbeth stood up, looking a little awkward, but they went to her, bless them, and the trio stood together arm in arm, mourning for old Aaron who was no more.
Except that I still am here, I shouted, but nobody heard, not even me.
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